Pre-Game: The Introduction

Writing has helped me move through some of the best and worst moments of my life, so I am counting on it to help me make it through the process of quitting one of my biggest addictions.

I smoke. I'm not proud of it and I am ready to quit.

I started many years ago, back when I was still in high school. I stole a back of my dad's Salems and sat on the floor in my closet--coughing, smoking and writing teen-angst (aka really bad) poetry. I thought I looked cool. I thought it was a great way to control my ballooning weight, though it really did nothing of the sort. I thought it would help me deal with the grief and anxiety I felt about my mother and sister's death.

It's funny how I expected one little cigarette to fix everything in my life.

As I grew up and life moved forward, I stopped being so open about my habit. I hated (and still hate) the way smoke seeps into your hair, your skin, your clothes and pretty much everything you touch.  I was ashamed and would go to great lengths to hide my habit from others. For example, when I was at a convention in Detroit, I walked blocks away from the hotel just so no one would see me smoke. I was willing to risk my safety for another puff.

Is that crazy or what?

Still, I forged ahead with my smoking, even through another high blood pressure diagnosis (part hereditary, part anxiety and part cigarettes) and plenty of rounds of bronchitis and sinus infections.

"But cigarettes keep me calm!"

Tell that to the panic attacks that have kept me up until 3 in the morning, whether I had a cigarette or not.

"But I have to quit on a very low-stress day."

Ummm...is that ever going to promised to any of us?

I've been toying with a quit now for several months, but something inside of me is just ready right now. I want to get married one day and prayerfully have a baby or two. I DO NOT want to pass this habit down to them, period.

I'm scared though. I'm scared of what the nicotine withdrawal will feel/look like. I am TERRIFIED of gaining lots of weight. I don't want to snap at anyone or take out my frustrations on them. Furthermore, quitting means changing a lot of my routines: my daily commute, my breaks at work, my meal times and so much more. I wish the whole detox process could just be over in the blink of an eye, but it's something I have to experience for myself. Hopefully, writing about all of the ups and the downs will be reason enough to motivate me to never go back.

Part of me doubts that I have what it takes to quit cold turkey. Yet, I'm reminded of a story in the 9th chapter of Mark. A man comes to Jesus and asks Him to remove the demons that are causing his son's afflictions. The man asks Jesus to do this "if it is possible." Jesus reminds the man that "everything is possible if you believe."

I believe.

Quitting & Living,

K.